Chaotic
by Twilight2022
Summary: Or, what happens when you force S-ranked criminals to do chores. No flames, please, but constructive criticism would be wonderful!


**This is just something I did for my literacy class. Any suggestions for how to improve it will be greatly appreciated! Also, if anyone cares, I _will_ be continuing my other story Movie of Dragons... I just procrastinate a lot, and homework's been consuming my life.**

 _BANG._

 _CRASH._

"Oops, un."

Konan growled. Seven in the morning, and Deidara had already blown something up. Normally, this wouldn't be much of a problem. Konan got up at promptly five-thirty every morning with the same routine: shower, dress, cook breakfast, and clean up whatever mess the boys made.

It wasn't easy being the only female in an organization of nine other highly dangerous criminals. With being powerful (and male) came pride, and so Konan had become something of a mother/older sister figure of the Akatsuki. She (albeit reluctantly) cleaned, and she was the only person who could cook, so that responsibility lay with her as well. She was burdened with being the Akatsuki's personal therapist as well. (Something about she was a female and females were nicer… she had to restrain herself from punching Deidara when he said that.) Honestly, it was hard to believe at times that she herself was a merciless killer who wouldn't think twice about taking someone's life. But she put up with acting like a "proper" woman for the sake of the Akatsuki. Konan would deny it in an instant, but her maternal instincts gradually started to surface as she spent more time with the guys.

However, it was Sunday. On Sunday, Konan slept in and heaven help the poor soul who dared rouse the blue-haired kunoichi from her beauty sleep. She dragged herself out of bed, quickly pulling on her Akatsuki cloak before stalking out of her room.

Meanwhile, the resident blond pyromaniac was freaking out, praying to all the gods that Konan hadn't been disturbed, having just realized what day it was. Deidara's hopes and dreams were shattered into tiny little pieces as he helplessly watched Konan slink into the living room, taking in the scorched walls and ashes that were once the black leather couch. He winced.

Konan abruptly turned on her heel, walking out of the room. "Tell everyone there is a meeting in twenty minutes. Anyone not there on time will have me to answer to."

Deidara nearly collapsed. If Konan was calling a meeting, everyone was going to suffer… "Yes, Konan-sama, un."

Exactly seventeen minutes later, every single male of the Akatsuki was seated at the long cherry wood dining table, not making a sound. Konan, her lavender eye shadow and lip piercing properly in place, along with her hair pulled up in a bun and origami flower in it, strode in surveying the members present. Satisfied that everyone was there, she sat at the head of the table.

"Let me get straight to the point." she began. "I am tired of cleaning up your messes. You are learning how to do chores."

"WAIT, WHAT?! YOU EXPECT US TO DO F-OW! HEY, PUT MY HEAD BACK ON BI-MPPH!"

"I am not in the mood for your vulgarity, Hidan. Any more objections?"

The rest of the members (who all happened to be much smarter than Hidan) stayed silent, while the immortal's head, severed and gagged, lay glaring at Konan.

"Good. I'm going to be taking a week off -And no, Kakuzu, I'm going to be staying here, so you needn't worry about your precious money-"

(At this, said masked ninja let out a relieved sigh and visibly relaxed.)

"As I was saying, I will be taking a week off. Missions will be suspended as well. The chores that need to be done are cooking, vacuuming, sweeping, dusting, laundry, shopping and daily cleaning of whatever messes you all make.

"Deidara, before you start chores, you will clean up the living room and replace the couch. I will not assign chores to a specific person, but everyone must be doing something."

The kunoichi turned towards her partner. "And don't think you're exempt from this, Pein."

"Wait, what? I have to run an entire village as well as this organization! I don't have time to do domestic chores!" Cold amber eyes stared into the Rinnegan as Konan glared at Pein.

"You will be attending my needs and making sure nothing blows up or catches fire. Are we clear?"

Pein grumbled.

"Good. Deidara, start on the living room today. I'll cook dinner tonight. Everyone else starts tomorrow." Konan got up and padded out of the room, adding as an afterthought, "Oh, and it would be nice, Kakuzu, if you could re-attach Hidan's head sometime later today."

The next day, breakfast was dango. As it turned out, Itachi the Genius Child Prodigy could also cook (although he refused to make anything but his favorite food). This was to the delight of the rest of the organization, as no one makes better dango than Itachi. It would have been nice if the rest of the morning tasks went as smoothly…

* * *

Sasori and Deidara were doing laundry, but neither of them could figure out how to turn the darn thing on.

"Ummm… I think you pour in the soap, then press this button, un." The washing machine did nothing.

"No, brat, you have to choose the settings first." Sasori turned a couple knobs before pressing what he assumed to be the start button.

"Wait, danna. I think that-"

 _BAM._

The washing machine exploded, bubbles floating everywhere, some of them settling on Sasori's head. He glared.

"What... kind... of washing machine… has a SELF DESTRUCT button?!" Deidara saw fit to edge out of the room before going to tell Pein they needed a new washing machine. (Who, by the way, had already failed at life because something blew up.)

Meanwhile, Itachi was teaching Kisame how to cook. The result was, to both Itachi and Kisame's surprise, edible –quite good, actually. However, the kitchen was another story- there were pieces of a cutting board lying on the counter from when Kisame used too much strength when chopping vegetables, uncooked rice scattered about the whole kitchen, and the lingering smell of ashes (don't even ask). Pein came in –sulking because he'd already gotten yelled at by his partner for allowing Deidara and Sasori to blow up the washing machine –took one look at his surroundings, sighed, and proceeded to grab Konan's chocolate ice cream out of the freezer.

"Clean this up. You do not want Konan seeing her kitchen like this." Pein spared a meaningful glance at the two men who shuddered at the thought.

The next day, after a breakfast courtesy of Itachi and Kisame (the kitchen looked much better this time; there were only four broken eggs) and much yelling about who was going to wash all the dishes that had been piling up since the day before (the problem was eventually solved by a 'Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will do the dishes so senpai doesn't have to!' and earning a grumble of thanks from said pyromaniac), Hidan was being forced to vacuum.

"Argh, how do you work this thing?!" Hidan yelled, before cussing it out. The vacuum did not respond. "KAKUZU!"

His partner's annoyed growl drifted over from the entrance hall. "What is it now, Hidan?"

"I can't get this thing started!"

"All it takes to turn on a vacuum is two brains cells, Hidan. I'm sure even you have that much."

Hidan growled, cursing his partner as he attempted once again to activate the Evil Machine of Death, as he dubbed it (with some more cursing). He then managed to turn the vacuum on and it came to life and started to chase him with the intent to kill. (Actually, it was an animation jutsu compliments of Deidara, who'd been hoping Itachi would vacuum and therefore die –it wasn't a very well developed plan, but then, what seventeen year-old thought things out like that- but Hidan, who, as we've mentioned, wasn't always the brightest bulb in the circuit, had no way of knowing this, so he thought that the vacuum had come alive and was trying to eat him.) He then ran through the entire base screaming bloody murder and trying to lose the vacuum. Kakuzu sighed before pulling out his ear plugs –which he cherished with all five of his hearts because they were cheap and effective- and continued dusting with the glittery neon pink feather duster that Konan had bought just to give the wielder of said duster a nice headache (after hiding her blue and black one), and it was so far achieving that goal, as well as actually functioning like a normal feather duster (really, it's not complicated in any way), so that was a bonus.

After reversing the jutsu on the vacuum, Pein wearily slipped into his bedroom/office holding a bowl of sliced fruit, slightly chilled cucumber water, and Konan's fluffy cobalt bath robe. He walked over to the bathroom door, where a pale hand snatched the robe, pulling it inside. Approximately five seconds later, Konan came out of the bathroom, having just taken a long, hot bath and feeling refreshed. She wasted no time in settling down in her partner's black fabric recliner, curling up and closing her eyes. The orange-haired male raised an eyebrow.

"Weren't you going to eat before you went to bed?"

"Mmm… no, I'm not hungry anymore… "

Pein's eye twitched.

"…C'mere, I'm cold."

"Konan, I still have work-"

"Now."

"You really should go to your room."

"Get. Over. Here."

"Fine."

Defeated, Pein lay down on the recliner. Konan sighed and snuggled into the newfound warmth.

"Better?"

"Better. Thank you."

* * *

On Wednesday, there was no more food. Since Zetsu had been doing virtually nothing the past two days, he was elected to go grocery shopping. At the supermarket, everything was well. Zetsu had completed the shopping list after an hour of running around the store (he had used a transformation jutsu on himself to appear normal, so he didn't attract attention), and he was about to check out (even the Akatsuki paid for their groceries) when he got hungry. It might seem this wasn't much of a problem, except for one tiny detail –Zetsu was a cannibal. The result? Well, it certainly wasn't very pretty… Zetsu, of course, was banned from the store. He didn't mind. He'd gotten the groceries and therefore Pein didn't want to waste even more of his precious energy by yelling at Zetsu for eating two innocent, unsuspecting shoppers.

The rest of the week, all the chores went by smoothly. Kakuzu vacuumed with the now normal vacuum, Itachi and Kisame didn't need to spend an hour cleaning up the kitchen every time they cooked, the washing machine was replaced, this time without a self-destruct button, and Sasori and Deidara could figure out how to use this one (granted, they did have the manual), and Konan continued to be pampered by her orange-haired partner.

On Sunday, after sleeping until nine, Konan called a meeting.

"Now boys, what have we learned?"

"Clean up after yourself, un."

"Good, Deidara! Anyone else?"

Kisame spoke up. "Doing domestic chores is harder than we thought and we should appreciate that you do so much for us."

Pein groaned. "We shouldn't take you for granted…"

"Alright. You've learned your lesson. I'll resume doing most of the chores, but Itachi, Kisame, you two are still going to be cooking sometimes and I want everyone, not just Tobi or me, to take turns doing the dishes."

A collective chorus of 'Yes ma'am's' was heard.

"Alright. Meeting adjourned."

It was safe to say that everyone in the Akatsuki was much more grateful to Konan, and she always had one of the boys helping her with chores after that incident. (And also, Pein remembered the joy of relaxation for the first time in a week.)


End file.
